Jim Whitt, Contributing Editor

Git-R-Done

One of the new hats among the many I wear is as a reporter for NCBA’s Cattlemen to Cattlemen television program. Broadcast on RFD-TV, the show was launched in January and is about current issues and people in the beef industry. It’s kind of like CALF News on TV. If you’ve watched the program you don’t see a lot of me, but you hear my voice — “… this is Jim Whitt reporting.” It’s what’s known in the trade as a voiceover — you know, like Sam Elliot in the BEEF … It’s What’s for Dinner commercials. (Look out Sam, I’m standing in the wings).

One of my assignments involved going to Washington, D.C., to cover NCBA’s Spring Legislative Conference. In my opening monologue I said, “I’m going to show you how cowboys ‘git-r-done’ on Capitol Hill.” I felt like Larry the Cable Guy. After a couple of days of interviewing cowboys and congressmen I worked my way back home, talking to Kentucky Farm Bureau Insurance in Louisville, and finished up the week speaking at the Oklahoma National Guard’s Leadership Conference. I joked with the guardsmen that I ended the week talking to them, a group of people charged with supporting and defending the Constitution, and started the week talking to congressmen, many of whom are doing everything in their power to keep them from their task.

In a sense, NCBA members who participated in the legislative conference are kind of like the beef industry national guard. They took time from their own operations to go to D.C. to defend and support the interests of everyone back home. When they showed up in the nation’s capitol wearing their hats and boots they brought a dose of heartland reality to a place in desperate need of reality.

Case in point is the most recent White House Correspondents Dinner where Laurie David (producer of Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth) and singer Sheryl Crow were guests. According to the National Review’s Byron York, Crow took the opportunity to lecture White House senior advisor Karl Rove about global warming, punctuating her sentences with a finger to his chest just to make sure he was paying attention. Now, this is coming from a woman who, while on her “Stop the Global Warming” tour, had a performance rider (according to
TheSmokingGun.com) that demanded three tractor-trailers, four buses and six cars for her entourage. Look up hypocrisy in the dictionary and it should have Sheryl Crow’s picture. But here’s the kicker. On her Web site, Crow suggests how we can all strike a blow for the environment. “I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting.”

She says one square is the ideal, but admits there are times that might require two or three. She also suggests eliminating paper napkins by the use of a new line of clothing that includes the “dining sleeve,” which is detachable and can be replaced with another “dining sleeve” after the diner has used it to wipe his or her mouth. I’m serious folks.

For an idea of just how far out Ms. Crow’s ideas are, Rosie O’Donnell made fun of her toilet paper proposal on The View, a TV program she, until recently, co-hosted. What does it say about you if Rosie thinks you’re out in left field?

Since Rosie won’t be on The View anymore, and I hate to see her without a job, I am proposing she host a new talk show. In the name of fairness and balance it should be co-hosted by Larry the Cable Guy. Their first guest should be Sheryl Crow who would demonstrate her one-square toilet paper technique and model her new dining sleeve. Here’s how it might go:

Rosie: “Well, that was certainly entertaining, Sheryl. So Larry, what do you think of the dining sleeve?”

Larry: “Do you see any sleeves on my shirt? Who needs sleeves? Or napkins? I just wipe my mouth on my bare arms and nibble on the leftovers whenever I want a little snack.”

Rosie: “That’s disgusting! But speaking of wiping, I’ve already told people how I feel about the one-square squat on The View. It’s a function of square inches per square and I don’t think one square’s going to — as you would say, Larry – ‘git-r-done’ for me.”

Larry: “One square? Where I come from folks don’t use any toilet paper! What do you think Sears catalogues are fer? If you really want to save the planet, Sheryl, get rid of your toilets and bidets (that’s pronounced ‘buh-day’ for us rednecks) and get yourself an outhouse! Only the French could come up with sumpin’ called a bidet to squirt water up your behind. Did you know the word bidet is French for pony? Now, try to get that picture outta your mind.”

Sheryl: “You can’t be serious! I want other people to change their lifestyles. I don’t intend to change mine. I’m just trying to raise awareness!”

Larry: “Me too, Sheryl! In fact, the theme for the next Blue Collar Comedy Tour is gonna be “Git an Outhouse and Git-R-Done for the Planet”! You can join us, Sheryl, and sing Blowin’ in the Wind! Get it? Blowin’ in the wind! That’ll be a hoot. Why, Al Gore will probably promote outhouses in his next science fiction movie.”

I can hardly wait for the Larry and Rosie Show. Heck, I’m a TV reporter now, maybe I can join them and make it a threesome. Isn’t there a French phrase for that? What am I saying? I’ve spent too much time in Washington!

Larry the Cable Guy makes jokes for a living, but what’s sad is that people like Laurie David, Sheryl Crow and Rosie O’Donnell are taken seriously by many inside-the-Beltway politicians and media types. That’s why it’s so important for the beef industry to keep injecting Washington with a regular dose of reality. If we don’t, the ideas of the dining sleeve and the one-square squat may be championed on the House and Senate floors. Don’t laugh. Who would believe Al Gore would be taken seriously enough to be nominated for a Nobel Prize?

I’ve got a plan on how to one-up Sheryl Crow. At the next NCBA legislative conference we’ll sell Congress on the idea of mandatory outhouses and Sears catalogues. They’ll buy it because it will save water and recycle paper all at the same time — it’ll be the greatest thing since indoor plumbing! Larry the Cable Guy can do voiceovers for our commercials, “Git an outhouse and git-r-done.” Move over, Sam Elliott. There’s a new sheriff in town.

Please e-mail comments to Jim Whitt at jim@whittenterprises.com.

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